the old what are we doing here. where am i at this little deck of cards and open bottles of wine. black and red is all we see; we tumble in circles.
crossed eyes, stumbling and eyes turned black.
wait, what was your name again? didn't i do this yesterday?
this is the world i escaped, right?
the new us as lovers collide like thunder and lightning one after the other - a pair, like in a deck of cards black and red is bolts of silver streams and boom boom boom.
this is where i am, and the blurred vision is gone. i remember moments, seconds, life. there is safety in knowing the difference between rape and making love, there is safety in knowing someones name and who they are, there is safety in knowing i exist.
this is the world i wanted right?
long ago there are no tiles on this floor you're on and there are four steps separating you from him he calls you.
and there are nights when you cannot remember if he kissed you goodnight or pushed you out the door
without a goodbye.
now Chasm Empty space Closer than you think Sometimes it feels like you're going crazy
Farther than you want to go Farther than you thought existed
he looks for a life now, with what little he has left. he wears old sneakers, that smell of soil and muk; his shirts have holes in it them -- he'd have it no other way. he cannot smile -- smiles don't exist. and neither does father - mother - brother - sister - friends; the dead who are six feet under and twelve feet in.
he listens to the piano on the old music box dances to thin air around an old tiled floor there's wine and sandwiches, that only he eats and throws it back up a few hours later in dying pity.
puke still on his tie. it's beautiful, he says. oh well.
and he wonders if he's getting old or if his hair's just turning gray fast. salt, pepper. shake, shake.
he thinks if he were to have a wife, she'd be five feet something have long brown hair, and a smile that can replace his. he'd hope she'd stay for the love, and not the money -- and maybe just maybe, he pretends whilst waltzing on cold floors, she'd dance with him, and tell him to 'stop stepping on her toes'
until he improves and makes her laugh.
it's gotten so bad he even steps on his own toes.
but now, the record's broken, forgotten about under the sheets somewhere down under where six feet isn't that far and he's only twenty-one with lines on his face he still dances to old piano tunes that live in his head and he has wine on certain nights, when he wishes he never grew up a man and became a boy.
he wonders if peter pan is just a fairytale or truly happened. who would want to grow up after all, he supposes throwing out every plate he eats on, being too lazy to wash.
his hairs in knots, and even though girls try to groom it he forgets that they all exist and buries himself.
he meets six feet under and dances with her; she's quite unlike his dreams black hair, and unknown eyes -- but he doesn't step on her feet. she doesn't laugh, but it's better then fate, he thinks.
There are moments in our lives when we find ourselves at crossroads. The choices we make in those moments can define the rest of our days.
Do you ever question how truly happy you are with your life? I mean, take a second and look at it from a different point of view. I mean, really look at it. You wake up in the morning -- do you take a deep breath and think how blessed you are? Do you go to work, or school - and consider how everything in your life is just right? But then shift directions for half a second and consider every possible route your life could of taken, had you made different choices. What if you had said yes to your prom date, instead of no; if you had taken that job opportunity in another state instead of staying where you were. The choices you make could affect a lifetime. They do affect a lifetime. But how far it impacts your life - well, that's another question. And that comes back to the question of truly being happy. I mean, say you made a different choice -- and you really said yes to your prom date -- and your whole life flipped around - do you think you would be happier? Or maybe worse? Maybe your life is so perfect right now that you wouldn't trade it for the world.
Maybe you don't aim for perfection - just satisfaction. What can get you by. Do you want more? Do you dream of more? Or does it scare you too much to do so?
I think these thoughts are spawned upon the fact that I truly realized how many directions my life could of truly gone - and will truly go. I mean, if you look at everything, I've had chances to be somewhere different - from choosing to go to Disney, and then choosing to leave. From staying at UNF rather than going to another University. In Florida. In Georgia. In the Philippines. Each of those choices would of lead to seconds where my life would be one hundred and eighty degrees in differences. And while I don't like to dwell on the past and what could of been, should of been, would of been -- I can't help but wonder if the choices that I've made thus far are going to lead me in the direction of happiness I aim to achieve in my life. But then again, I ask myself the same question that I asked in the above -- do I wake up in the morning and realize how blessed I am for what I have. Am I satisfied, and have a sense of happiness? To be honest, I do. Though it's the sort of happiness that I constantly wonder what more - what could - what can. There are going to be choices in my future that will have to be made in a mature sense, but for me. And those choices will lead to knew roads where I can't just turn the car around and go back if it's too foggy -- I have to keep going.
Now look at the end of your day, when you lay yourself down to bed. Do you think your day was good? What helped make your day good? What brought your day down? Is there a way to change the routes created by our choices to impact our lives for the better? The smaller choices we make within a larger decision can help or worsen your life beyond the decision itself. Do you sit in the bed at night, and just before you close your eyes - ask if this all worth it? Is this the right world for you? Do you want another world? When I go to bed.. I honestly, can't wait for the next day. The morning always brings me something new, and exciting. And while there are moments in my day where I practically want to chop my head off, there are also points (while small, and like fragments of a movie) that make my life very live-able, and as I said before, worth it. I aim for more than satisfaction, but I'd never want perfection. I'm at a happy medium. What about you? How do you feel about your everyday life? How do you feel going to work? How do you feel going home? How do you feel in class? What do you really want out of life and how are you going to get it? Could you already of gotten it if you had made a different choice? If you routed your life in a different way? But would that be just as good, if not better.. or horribly worse in comparison?
What is the point of it this all? For me.. I've always been spontaneous - with my choices and decisions. But now I'm trying to examine them a little more. Not just jump the gun.. because those decisions are the ones that are going to define me for the rest of my life. They're the ones I'm going to have to edit and manipulate to find some sort of medium if they are not what I expected. It's like walking into a job you thought would be amazing and not getting what you want (not mine, mind you..) and having to keep it.. just because. You have to twist your job into some sort of .. medium so you can just get through it. But there's also the opportune moment where you make a choice that not only defines you, but aides you, and makes your life just a little better.
I always tell people life is about making do with what you have. Making the most of every moment; second; fragment. Remember, your life is something you have -- and you have to make the most of it. So with the decisions and choices you make in the future, make sure they lead you to what you want out of life. After all, you only get one (technically without getting into another conversation), and you want to make sure that the life you live is not regrettable when you sleep at night, and brings a smile to face during your day.
Eh, here's to hoping you make the right choices at the right times so your life isn't that bad. :o)
I usually never make useful blogs or posts or thoughts. Really, most are just rambling. But every once in a while I'll get just the right idea.
A lot of times in the past year, I have severely missed Disney, and working there on a daily basis. I mean, I'll be quite honest - there's nothing like it in the world. The feel, the power, the enthusiasm -- the magic. Anyone who has worked there, knows this. I had a hard time finding the right place in life since then. Between friends, and homes, and jobs. I never really nailed it down to a tee since Orlando. It was so different there. And for the longest time, I desired to go back every day. It was hard to live two hours away in this city. Just to run around the parks, or see friends, or hell, give Mickey a hug. It was a magical world that no one could replace for me. I guess the magic of my life had disappeared for a little when the magic of Disney World left last year. But, things change. Things always change.
I had to get to a point where I was satisfied. And I think I got it recently. I'm in a situation in life where I am comfortable, and happy. And oh yes, it will do. It started with just hanging out with people I feel comfortable with. This includes people like Josh, Luke, David Lu (and Tran, of coarse), Heather, Chris, Sean, Jason, Allan - everyone. You guys know who you are. At parties, dinners, weekend gatherings and all. I started to feel some part of friendship again. Of coarse, most nights were drunk, and forgotten -- but I know, I know the memories were amazing and there. So yes, it started with friends that helped we create some sort of magic and place it back into my heart. And then once again, things changed even more.
Sometimes in March I started at this company called Website Pros (now Web.com) where I was just randomly looking on craigslist, and this kid (whom is none other than my boss, but I can call him kid) makes an ad for Webdesign that was quite literally one of the funnier ads I'd seen. Something about, if you don't know what Firefix is, go screw yourself or something. And since Gamestop just wasn't fun anymore, I applied. What the heck, I got it. Now when I started this job, I was nervous as crap. I wasn't that talented at Flash, I'd never been a Professional setting for real, for real (and Subaqueous doesn't count -- I played Maplestory all day at work and got paid a crapload to do it), and I really didn't know if I'd do well. But what the heck, I did. I do helluva well. I have no doubt in my mind, month's later, I do fucking amazing. I am fantastic after all. However, at work, I realized also some of that magic was coming back. No I wasn't running through Cinderella's Castle or hanging with Peter Pan, but I was laughing again. Things were definitely changing. I was starting to become happy.
It took a while for me to open up, but now some of my coworkers are my favorite people. I laugh more than you'd imagine, and I feel slightly like they are my backup family. They literally mean the world me. I can talk to them about anything, and that makes me feel good. Screw professional ethics, most of my coworkers are my friends, and I am not ashamed to say that at all. Why is all of this important? Well, I was just thinking about how truly happiness is important to where I work. You see, recently, a top company of Jacksonville had come to me about my photography, graphic design, and webdesign skills -- offering slightly a bit more than my current job.. but I thought, heck, I love where I work right now. I mean, it's not where I'm going to be forever. But for this point in my life, it's enough magic compared to Disney that.. it's worth it. I guess the things that were changing was just really me. I seem to have stumbled upon some area of happiness that I truly hadn't felt in a while and I am deeply blessed for. My friends are great, and I love every memory I get to share with them; my coworkers are fantastic, and make my life 10 times better than ever; my future roommate is one of my favorite people in the world and I am truly blessed for him; and a life I'm extremely happy to be living.
I've always been a rash, and spontaneous person when it comes to doing things that could make me happier.. but for once in my life, I'm just settling for genuine happy. Nothing more, and nothing less.
This may not be the castle, or Peter Pan, or the magic I had once before -- but I can finally say I'm happy. For the first time in a very long time, I'm very, very happy.
And now I will go plot my coworker, Paul's, battle with me.. Fight Club style. Rules one and two all; one and two.
