Current mood:
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wow so alot has happened since last year so im gonna start off with im not pregnant and the chances of me ever having another kid are like none. The doctor won't say it but i got a good feeling. So since i cant spread my genetic tragedy around im just gonna have alot of dogs. i guess. but you know what pisses me off though? All my friends and ex lover and mailmen and comatose people in the world are able to spit one out how come i cant get one out to parade around and make other people depressed. Why lawd why? Idk and i dont care well no im lyin i do care. Junkies havin babies and girls who cant take care of tamagachi are havin some but i cant.
next thing is my neices(the closest thing i got to children) Xavier is 16 and she got a job at the mall, im so proud, and she's takin AP classes. Keyoka Wantanabe san is 15 and she has almost all AP classes and she maintians like over a 3.0. Im gonna buy her a vespa come March. She deserves it alot. And Zaria is gonna be nine come saturday and picture im fuckin broke. 
but i paid for her hair to be done for her first day. OMG thier first day i was so estatic cause i walked Zaria to her school and drove the other two, but i helped them school shop and i have to tell you they looked fuckin fabulous. Ahhh i wish i had took pictures. But i love those girls so much and i take so much shit from my sister about those girls i ould just kill her in her sleep sometimes. She make such shitty judgement calls it drives me mad. But she's keepin the roof over thier head and making sure the lights and water dont get cut off. So i gotta giver her some thing for that. She's a hustla but that's it. It's like God played this wrong. i wanted the family and she didn't really. She got most of the stuff i wanted and i got waht she wanted. A stable relationship and freedom to fuck the shit outta her life. OMG my eye is jumpin outta control. MY MOM. well my dad died like 3 years ago and this is her third year of having to deal with it. LONLINESS. but not to mention my crackhead ass junkie ass brother who will break into her house and steal everything from her. She has a shit job that pays like 600 a month. she cant afford a new car and needs one desperately. The state might just tear down her house(I HATE TYPING ON THIS FUCKIN THING)because she cant afford to fix it to state regulations. That is just the fuckin icing on the cake and the cake is the fact that my grandma and my aunt and my uncle wont signthe papers letting her get money to fix the shit. Unfortunately my grandpa being the nice guy he was did't let my mom own her part of the property but let it be split between the vultures called his wife and my aunts and uncles. Unfortunatley my aunt Sandra passed away this year my mom's only possible ally and the only aunt i can actually stand she was so funny to me. She had this cute ackwardness to her and she was very friendly to me. i used to get so excited to see her when they'd visit us in Lousiana but me being the louse i am i never visited her or my cousins and to tell you the truth i love my cousins. When i think about it i feel shitty that i havent seen them since the funeral.
well now that i've fallen out of my chair i think i should go to bed now but i saw this picture tonite that damn near made my heart fall out. I saw it and it was like i was seeing that person before me and it hurt that i couldnt touch them. It hurt me that i had lost him like that. just poof and he was gone. i miss him. i mean this feeling was like so intense i had to stop looking and all of the sudden i felt lonely and empty. i felt like i was missing something. Then it occured to me that i was just missing me at 17 me falling in love for the first time and someone excepting me. I could feel pain and i could feel love and eventhough theyre on totally differnt spectrums in the end they both feel good because you know your alive. you know that this will happen again and again you'll love and you'll hurt and you'll even do both at the same time, the gift is that you do these things your blessed to live through them and it's just the best gift God can give. So i still kinda hurt and i know whenever i look at that picure i always will but at least i aint dead.