Larry The Cable Guy

My name is Larry The Cable Guy. I was born a c-section baby in 1963. Thats right; I was born in Section C of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert! My dad thought they had great seats until my moms water broke. One minute they are singin along to Freebird and the next minute Dad is cuttin off Moms Lee jeans with Ronnie VanZant holding a towel and some hot water.

I was named after my great-great-grandfather, Lawrence the Telegraph Guy, who served in the Confederate Army from June 6th, 1862 to June 7th, 1862. He went to pee his name on a snowdrift his first day and tripped and fell on his knife. But enuff about how I acquired my name. I will give you a brief bio of my life.

I am single, however I was living with a girl for about three months until she found out I was there. I once dated my buddy Jimmy Cramps sister. Her name was Early. Early Cramps was a nice girl, but very moody. I met her in 8th grade at Planned Parenthood. I broke up with her after the senior prom when she told me she couldnt go because she had to go pick her daughter up.

My grandma was the only entertainer in my family. Her husband, Merv, was an Elvis impersonator in the late 20s, however it never really caught on back then and he ended up working in the mine. Grandma was the state crepitation champ, but she lost her title at a fart contest in Mississippi last year at the craft fair. She was in the final round and was farting the song Elvira by the Oak Ridge Boys and in the middle of giddy-up oom-pappa mow-mow started to show off and got too low on the mow-mow and pooped her pants and got disqualified. But enuff of some of my family background.

Here is a little of my bio:

Education: DeVry University (degree in drywallogy)
Religion: Christian (except on weekends)
Favorite restaurant: Golden Corral, Cracker Barrel and Thursdays steak and egg buffet at the strip club
Favorite food: Anything with gravy and gummy boobs
Truck: 98 Dodge with a 12 lift and 38 Mickey claws (damn straight!)
Car: 98 Dodge with a 12 lift and 38 Mickey claws
4 Wheeler: Big Bear and 660 Grizzly
Favorite TV shows: Andy Griffith, anything on RFD TV and the Playboy Channels special on Asians
Favorite colors: red and white
Heroes: Jesus, John Wayne, Ronald Reagan, Barney Fife, Jerry Reed, George Strait, Iron Maiden, my dad, Chris LeDoux, Ted Nugent, and the guy who wrote Cannonball Run.
Favorite NASCAR Driver: Michael Waltripused to be Dick Trickle
Favorite Sports: bull riding, rodeo, NASCAR, college football, baseball, pro football, Naked Hooters Twister (not yet available in all markets
Favorite Movies: Cannonball Run, Smokey and the Bandit (all 3), Stroker Ace, Blue Collar Comedy Tour: The Movie (and Rides Again), and Boondock Saints."

Thanks, Larry