Current mood:
accomplished
TO A NEW CHAPTER!!
Amanda's Blog
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The new chapter
TO A NEW CHAPTER!!
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"Who Dies?" by Stephen Levine
Current mood:
A child, a two-and-a-half-year-old boy dying of Leukimia named Tony. Being very weakend from the illness, he displayed several side effects of the treatmen, including a severly fissured anus, blood clots in various places on his body, and a shunt to aid the induction of the chemotherapy he was undergoing. His body clearly reflected the degenerative state of his illness. two other people accompanied him with eyes that seemed wide open to ever possibility. his eyes stayed with each face for a few moments before moving on to share with the next. There was nothing cursory in his glance. He was completely present. Looking into his eyes was like looking into the night sky. He was open to the moment, to death. He was was so extraordinarily there for what was happening.
anxious
Although, clearly, Tony's body could hardly hold his life-force, he did not withdraw, but instead moved toward this unknown spaciousness that he so willingly shared with all who came near. His acceptance of death was somehow transmitted to his mother, who later took me aside and asked me what she should do. She was confused because, although the most precious thing in her life was clearly moving beyond her touch, somehow in her heart there was an incredible okayness about it. She feared there was something the matter with her.
Tony's mother and I spent some time together sitting in another room, talking about how it was for her, feeling such openess and yet such confusion. She spoke of a warmness in the sharing with her son. And she said that somehow she could understand, could feel - not intellectually, but in her heart of hearts - there there was a contract between her and Tony that was bringing each to a fullfillment for which they had been born, but she said she couldnt imagine how this was so.
And I said, "well, can you imagine, can you just fantasize for a moment that there are these two beings, floating between births, with love and great concern for each others well-being? One of these beings turns to the other and says, 'You know, theres so much to be learned in a lifetime, I wonder if we couldnt help each other. Imagine if one of us were born a woman and, at thirty-one, had a beautiful, incredibly shining child. Every mothers dream of angelic perfection and loving-kindness. Then, lets say after sharing two years of life, the child is found to have some serious illness that evicts him from the body. And these two beings are forced to share the loss of this powerful contact. They share it in love, not holding on to the body, but remaining in each others heart to complete the experience.'
"These two beings, between births, sit down ad say, 'Well, that sounds fruitful. Lets do it. One of us can the two-year-old and die surrounded by love, and the other can be the mother, so confronted with all that has kept her seperate that she completely surrenders her knowing and just remains in her heart, in the very essence of the contact she has with her son, as she watches his body deteriorate beyond her control. And it takes her to the direct experience of whats real. Her heart opens more fully than ever before.'
"So, one being turns to the other and says, 'Well. Ill be the mother.' 'No, no,' says the other, 'you did that another time. Ill be the mother.' 'no, no, Ill be the little boy.' 'No, no.' And so they flip for it. And one comes in and thirty years later the one comes through and they play it out."
- Dying Children
"Who Dies?" by Stephen Levine -
The first exisential question
When we begin questioning about our existence,
perhaps the question to begin with is -
"Do we exist at all in the first place?"
Our existential crisis,
or suffering from not understanding our existence,
begins from grasping to the illusion that we exist.
What are we...
but a collection of shifting feelings, perceptions,
mental formations and consciousnesses...
in a body of constantly changing elements?
If there is no real self, who is the questioner?